I will always choose you across all lifetimes. It feels like so many life times now from when we started being together. There were so many good moments and so many bad moments mixed in that we both got confused by each other and ourselves. Our feelings got lost in the wind in this chaos of our own lives. Did you know that we’ve been together 4 years 3 months and 9 days? That is 1562 days I’ve loved you so far. We have been both stupid and young and grew together and grew apart together. Over the past 4 years, we have gone through all our worst moments with each other and was there for each other until our souls were tired and worn out from life. We fought, loved and hated each other and beat each other up and fought so desperately to stay together but over the years we forgot how to talk to each other. We’ve always been imperfect and incomplete. We both have monsters and demons. We have both watched each other all this time and each other’s craziness. You are the last. You are the last girl I will ever love.

They say when you know he’s the one, he’s the one. But I’ve never known anything. I’ve never known what it means to be certain; to be absolute; to be truly in love. I am weak and insecure so I never promised you forever. I cannot promise I will love you forever, but I loved you more than anything. I ended up giving you 3 months. I ended up giving you a year and before I knew it, I gave almost half a decade of my heart. 

As it turned out, I became the one who ended up being weak and insecure. I remember that I made you a calendar and posted it on the bedroom wall counting the days until you left me. I thought that if you go to college you would end up staying with me. You never did leave me, but in my mind, I never tore down that black calendar. That black calendar stayed in my head even until this day reminding me that I was never good enough for you, reminding me that I promised you diamonds and a life of happiness. That black calendar cursed me every morning and took away all my strength I had every day to show you how much I loved you. My addiction became depression and anxiety.

I can only promise you that I’m committing every piece of my broken soul to you for as long as we have together. I lied to myself about leaving you and ended up staying with you all this time but I wasn’t able to tell you that.

I was blinded by my lack of confidence that I never saw your true feelings. All we ever had was right now, and right now, more than anything I want those arms around me and mine around yours so you won’t ever feel lost again. So you will never ever be alone in this world.

I’m broken now more than ever before and I’m so sorry I broke your heart into a million pieces. We have raised two beautiful daughters together, went through so many close calls with lawyers and got destroyed by our jobs, but we held each other up and supported each other. We never gave up on each other through all the times that were the hardest for both of us. We both thought about giving up on life, but because you were there and because I was there, we never gave up on trying and always was able to get back up because of each other. This life is too short because forever is never enough for us. 

You broke me. My heart shattered forever because of you. You betrayed me even though I loved you all I could. I thought you stopped loving me. I thought you stopped caring about me. I thought you stopped thinking I was beautiful. I thought you wanted to stop making love to me. In this lifetime, We left marks on each other like tattoos that last forever. Deeper than anyone else possibly could. I keep asking you to come with me because I’m scared of being alone. I’m scared of having nothing. I don’t trust myself to be by myself. I want you to give up your life and your job and run away with me.

I thought that if you went away to college this time, you would end up leaving me. It has been over four years and I am beaten and hopeless. It has been 1562 days since I fell in love with you, but it has been every day I get scared of losing you. Every day I get scared of not fulfilling the promise I made to you. To give you the life you left your Ex for. To give you that life you left behind. To give you everything in return for giving up everything for me. I ended up not feeling worthy of you. To me you will always be the smartest and most beautiful girl to me. Always shining in my eyes like you would break my heart into a million pieces.

I didn’t need anything from you. I just wanted you to love me even after I do stupid things. Even after I go crazy and get into trouble. I’m silly and I break things all the time. I wanted you to always be there even if I break your heart. I know I am selfish, but I always wanted you to be there to catch me no matter what. I am scared all the time and I need someone there I trust. I wanted you to be the one.

I told myself to be strong, but I became intimidated. Four years and I am still running too slowly to catch up to your Ex. Four years and I lost even to a random guy. Four years and I lost to addictions and depression. Four years and I lost my faith in you and my confidence in myself. I drowned myself in everything I could find thinking that I would stop thinking about you being with another guy on your birthday. I was afraid to talk to you, afraid that you will tell me that your boyfriend was making you a romantic dinner. I was so scared I cried as my friends stared at me in pity. I was a failure and I gave up on myself thinking I failed you after all these years. 

I thought you were always going to be there for me. I thought I could have it all. I thought I could keep you. I wanted you to stay the same sweet boy I fell in love with that day you brought me coffee. I didn’t know I always broke things.

Without you I would be nothing. Without you I would be nothing.

I was so hurt I thought I could replace happiness with other people. It was easy to take care of people who didn’t want much. But all I found were girls who were not you. They were crazy, lost, with borderline personality disorders. I thought the crazier the better. The worse off the better. I could be useful and not feel like a failure like I did in front of you. But every single one wasn’t you. I still was lost and not found and it was like amnesia not remembering who I was and what was gone. I forgot what I was fighting for all this time and all that hung on my neck was that black calendar.

Who are you? I don’t know you anymore.

Nothing made sense so far in our lives and nothing will make sense in the future. As this world fell apart, we stopped making sense to each other. You stopped believing in me because I stopped believing in myself. I was so scared of disappointing you that I kept lying to you. I didn’t want you to know I stopped thinking you loved me. I didn’t want you to think that I gave up trying to give you diamonds. I didn’t want you to know that I became weak and lost and not the strong guy you wanted me to be. I was selfish because I wanted you to keep loving me. I was selfish because I thought you didn’t love me enough to accept me for who I am. I doubted myself. I was scared that you’ll try to wish me happiness again. I was scared that you’ll tell me to forget you. So I kept lying. I was scared of being alone without you. I was scared that our sex will never be amazing again. I was scared you’ll be disappointed in me because my body won’t listen to me. I was scared I couldn’t fix my depressed self. I didn’t think you would love the defective me.

I am so tired and exhausted. I don’t feel like I have anything else in this world anymore. I want to hold onto whatever I think I can keep. I am naked and insecure. I always question everyone thinking that one day they will disappoint me. I always question everything everyone does because I’m afraid I’ll be left alone as the room burns down around me. I’m not fire. I’m just rain. I don’t want to love you anymore. I don’t want you to disappoint me anymore. I just want to hold onto what I have right now at this moment.

One day you will see what I see – that in front of me there has always been only you. I don’t care if you might give up on me. I don’t care if you forget me. I will stand in front of you again and ask you to run away with me. I will go in front of you again and make you remember why you love me. Until then, I will keep the spot next to my heart vacant for you. There is no one who can make your heart beat like I can. There is no one who can make me tremble like you can. You closed your door on me once more and it’s all my fault for being weak. Just like how you are sitting alone in this world thinking that you are okay with the next guy, you will always be the only one standing in front of me. I will stand in front of you one day and ask you to come with me.  I will always be there to hold your hand when you are scared.

I wanted you to share your secrets with me. I wanted you to trust me. I wanted you to connect with me like you always did. But you never tell me anything. You kept your pain to yourself thinking it was going to be alright until I left you.

We used to make love so hard that the lines between us disappear. We used to hold onto each other so tight that nothing else mattered. In our closest moments, nothing else in the world mattered. Our connection has always been violent, raw, powerful. You came back to me again and I rolled over in bed every morning remembering why I loved you. I want you to lay next to me in bed and fall asleep to bad movies. I want you to yell at me for forgetting to make you coffee in the morning. You ran across the world to find something, to be something else, but I became scared I wasn’t good enough to be that for you. I was scared that I was wasting your time that you desperately wanted to be a mother and I wasted four years.

I think back to all the times you cried to me wondering why I stopped making you breakfast, why I stopped making you coffee in the morning. I think back about how deaf I was and didn’t realize you were pleading to me asking me to become the same guy I was before. I now realized during the times I had nothing were the times when you were the happiest with me. Why was I so naive and stupid this time? Why have I become so jaded and useless?

Please give me a chance to create that warm home for you again. Please give me the chance to build a Christmas tree with you with our two daughters again. I now realize what I should have been to you. I realized now that I should’ve had faith in myself. This time I am the one who is weak and insecure. I was too scared that I couldn’t tear down that black calendar. I was too scared I was just never going to be good enough. 

I am selfish but you taught me how to become selfless with you. You taught me how to love you and worry about you. You taught me how to never hurt you. I only want to be able to come home to you and feel your warmth when the world gets too cold because I know you’re always going to be there no matter what I do. I want it all but I’m scared to admit it. I want you to love me like you always did.

You always tell me you didn’t deserve me. But now I am sorry that I don’t deserve you. I am sorry I became weak. I am sorry I didn’t trust myself. I am sorry I made you lose trust in me. It is me who doesn’t deserve you this time. Don’t I know you by now? Don’t you know me by now? 

I don’t know you anymore. You’re no longer the guy I trusted with my life. You’re no longer the guy who made me breakfast and held me tight.

You are two people. You are the selfish and proud girl I first met, and you are also the girl who refused to lose to anyone. You are the only person who loved me and refused to give up on me. We spent the past four years growing up together and fought many battles together. Sometimes those battles were towards each other, but no matter what happened we always fought against everyone else to protect each other. I don’t deserve you.

You are two people. You lack confidence in things you do and gave up too easily, but whenever I needed you to be on my side, you were always strong enough to show me the light at the end of the tunnel and save me. You were always reliable enough to find me whenever life knocked me down. When it came to protecting me, you never gave up. I will always protect you against everyone. I will always support you and remind you that you are the best. I will always take care of you even if you don’t take care of yourself or forget to take care of me sometimes.

But I don’t know you anymore.
I forgot myself. I don’t remember who I am.

Love is not who deserves who or who is too good for who. Love is family. Love is about never abandoning or giving up on someone. You are my best friend. You are my soulmate. You are my lover. You are my family. Please give me a second chance. Please don’t abandon me because I lost myself. 

Give me half an hour and I can plan a lifetime with you before midnight. Give me 2 hours and I can light up a bonfire in front of the ocean for you that will burn until sunrise. Give me 7 days again and I will build you a warm home for just the four of us where you can wake up to freshly grinded coffee again. Do you remember my last words to you when I held onto that zipline in Catalina? Do you remember the way I held your hand all those hours we swam in the ocean in Hawaii together? Do you remember how excited I was for you when you chased after that sea turtle? We looked deep down into the scary ocean and all we had was each other. Do you remember when we hiked up to the top of the mountain with our daughter and there was no one else but us? Do you remember I held you whenever it rained? Do you remember the way I looked at you when we rode our bicycles down the beach? Do you remember the way I kiss your forehead like everything will always be okay? Do you remember how we always held each other in the worst moments of our lives?  For you I will always jump without a parachute. Give me another 10 years, 15 years, 30 years. Let me build candles for you when you are lost so you can find me every time so I can remember what it was like to build fireworks for you.

You can love someone else. You can find someone that is not me. Don’t think about me anymore. Deep down inside you will always be that sweet boy who got shy when he handed the coffee to me. This is our fate. We just happened to miss each other, and ended up on different ways. You deserve a good girl who has seen the world, mature and smart, supportive of you, independent. That girl is not me.

I once took all the love that exists in me and in this world and I gave it to you and it’s gone forever and will only burn in your memories. Those moments can never be recreated because I tattooed them in your heart. We are now both war torn and broken from the harshness of life and we’re still here after so many failures. The fire that burned into each other is both love and sorrow. You always knew you would never find a connection with someone so intense, so destructive and so unpredictably happy, exciting, and absolutely crazy. You will never meet a guy like me and I will never meet another girl like you even if we try to look for it in other people. How do I know this? I feel it deep in my heart and bones when I kiss you. I feel it in my blood as it races through my heart when I hold your hand to my face. Realize that we can’t reproduce this with anyone else. Realize it babe -that it’s me. Please forgive me.

Stay with me so we won’t ever have to break again. Stay with me because you will forever be my world. You know me better than I know myself because in your heart is the me I forgot. When we look into each other we can find that best version of ourselves in each other. We remind each other of who we can be. Don’t give up on us because I never will.

I realized all the reasons why I need you and it didn’t take 10 years but you forgot. I just wanted you to write me love letters again.

We made it across every hardship, fought every battle together. I know not everyone deserves a second chance, but babe it’s really me. Give me a chance to rebuild that trust again like I did all those years ago. Believe in me when no one else ever did because you have always been the only one who believed in me. Believe in me that I can fight any depression that comes my way and rebuild myself to the man you always remembered deep inside.

You will always make me want you. You will always be beautiful to me. You always made me crave life with you like no one else has. I want every inch of hurt I can get with you. I want that intoxication when we are holding each other in the fire. Even if the world is against us -even if Fate turns against me. No one can say anything about it. Fate cannot stop me from caring about you or loving you. I want to spend every day telling you that you are getting more beautiful each day.

I want this lifetime with you or I want nothing at all. I will love you more than I have ever loved you before. Believe that I will be that boy that your heart remembers, and I will remind you why you are the one thing I care the most about in the world. Give us another chance so our connection will be stronger than ever before. Give us another lifetime so we can remind ourselves what the best versions of each other are.

Do you remember me now?

I do. I do, but I tell myself that you aren’t the same person anymore. I’m scared to be hurt again. I rather just run off with another guy who reminds me of that familiar feeling than face you again. I am scared of you. I am scared I will lose you again. I am scared you will break my heart again. I tell myself I’m scared to gamble. I tell myself that my next 70 years is worth more than you. I tell myself my next 10 years with him is worth it if I don’t have to hate you again. I am scared of being alone.

I know. Don’t you think I know you by now? I always knew you but what I forgot was myself. I know I broke your heart, but you also reminded me who I was.

You are scared that I will disappoint you again and that you will be alone in the world. When you asked me if you could keep the money I sent you to remind yourself how much I cared about you, I felt my heart break in a thousand pieces. You used to always tell me my love is cheap and I ended up eventually believing it because I lost confidence. That moment I learned how much my love is really worth to you. I used to be proud and confident telling you that I am the final version of the man for you, but I was wrong and naive. The way you looked into my eyes that night as you cried was the first time I saw who you loved. That version of me inside your heart is your true love and your soul mate. That is who I want to be again because You are the girl who loves me the most in the world when even my family has left me behind. You are the girl who always believed in me. You are the girl who appears like the strongest person but is only vulnerable with me. You’re the one person I can always rely on to be there for me. We’re both so flawed and fucked up, but we always complimented each other’s missing pieces.

They say when you know he’s the one, he’s the one, but I’ve never known anything. I’ve never been certain of anything. I am weak and insecure. I am scared to put faith in you again and leave everything behind and go back to you. I am scared of ending up with nothing because I lost everything.

You are my world. Don’t throw me away. I know you still have the best version of me inside your heart just like how I have the best version of you in my heart. We have both been selfish this time and we both felt hurt. Come back to me so we can find that home again. I want us to be able to come home to each other and feel that warmth again when the world gets too cold because you’ll know that we’ll always be there for each other no matter what we do. I promise that I will spend the next 25,000 days being sweet to you. I promise you that I will be that best version of myself that you remember in your heart. I will always be that nervous boy even when we’re 100 years old and we’re holding each other’s wrinkled hands. You are still the last and only girl I will ever love.

Remember who we are to each other. Without each other, we turn stupid. Without each other we are lost. We both made mistakes along the way and we’re far from perfect, but we’ll always remind each other who we are and why we are. I saw in your heart what you truly wanted from me. Look into mine and see that I want to be that version of me you hold deeply inside so we can always face the world together. I promise you this won’t be the last love letter I’ll ever write to you. I promise you that every day we will write a new lover letter. I promise you that I can become the same boy you always loved and trusted. I really want you to become my soulmate who I can be completely naked and vulnerable with again. Forever is never enough.

In this crazy world nothing makes sense except that we ran into each other. Before this world falls apart I’m glad I met you and that when we are together, we made sense to each other. Sometimes you still forget and don’t believe in me, but I’ll live  with that for now. It’s always madness with you but it feels so serene when you just let yourself dream with me. I want to keep you in my arms until I’m just ashes in the wind. Perhaps I scare you because of how certain I am for you. Don’t be afraid of me. Don’t doubt me. Don’t wish me happiness when you know I’m too crazy for that normal life. Don’t make up some imaginary future for me when I fight for you each present moment. Say I’m selfish instead for craving you. Call me mad for rather being alone than sleep next to some nameless face that is not you. I will use time to prove to you what you mean to me because words are not heavy enough. 

This life is short because forever is not enough for us. In this lifetime I hope that we have left marks on each other like tattoos that last forever. One day you will see what I see – that in front of me there is only you and no other – that it will always be you. I don’t care if you might give up on me. I don’t care if you forget me. I will stand in front of you again and ask you to run away with me. I will go in front of you again and make you remember why you love me. Until then, I will keep the spot next to my heart vacant for you. There is no one who can make your heart beat like I can. There is no one who can make me tremble like you can. Just like how you are sitting in front of me now, I will stand I front of you one day and ask you to come with me. 

Dare to jump. Dare to dream. Dare to love. Maybe a new life, maybe a new adventure,  or maybe it’s safety your soul desires. Whatever it was, open up to the person who breaks you open naked with him and expands you in ways you always wanted,  always knew you could, but was always afraid to. Playing it safe, following people who tell you to choose the life that makes the most sense is just a trick to tame you who has a wild heart as passionate as mine.

I tell myself I am scared that you’ll give me reason to stay.

The only true thing right here right now is me and you. Hold my hand,  lock your fingers with mine, hold me tight and go out there into that cold world, walk on rocks that hurt your feet and sparkle like beautiful miracles in the midnight rain. Fall in love with the wrong person at the right time or the right person at the wrong time. Fall in love with me, stay with me, laugh with me until your stomach hurts,  say Yes to me.

Replace your life’s ticking clock and those scary insecure feelings with the beating of your own heart. Don’t cry alone. Don’t cry in dark. If you need a shoulder to cry on, rest your head on my chest,  listen to my heart and I’ll absorb all your tears. No one has ever regretted feeling alive. I promise you that you will always feel alive with me. I promise you that you will always feel like you can live forever when  you are with me. I can’t promise you the world,  but I can promise you that you will be my world.

I’m happy with you. I really am. 

I chose you to be the love of my life. I chose to be next to you. I will always choose you across all lifetimes not just the ones from our past lives without caring how long this red string of fate stretches us apart. I promise you I will chase you each day you are next to me. I promise that I will wait for you when you are half way across the world. I promise you that I will create a different smile on your lips every day if you came back to me. Live passionately with me, be who you really are, and burn bright as we wrap ourselves together lined up as candles ready to explode like fireworks.

People always desire fairytale beginnings and happily ever afters, not willing to acknowledge that much of that initial spark, that moment of first love is a projection of our hopes and desires all pulverized into stardust and blinds us for those moments. We go through meeting each soul in life hoping that they are the one that can be by our side and let us live a normal life like everyone else. But true love is that one that lasts through all the trials and errors. It’s not the one that makes us feel better than everyone else. It’s not the one that makes us fall the hardest nor the one that makes us feel like everything all of a sudden makes sense. It’s the one that is left behind after all the hurt and pain from all the fireworks. It’s the one that feels like fire in every form -like lovers, like family, like friends, like lost souls who forgot each other from a long time ago.

True love is the one that you can’t measure with any meter stick or unit of time. Not years, not months, not minutes. I always had you come with me so I can show you something different. We are totally different creatures because we are completely on different sides of the puzzle. I’m sorry you can never quantify my feelings for you with time or money because I have neither. I am counting every second of happiness I have left with you and I only have dollars compared to your millions. The true magic is that even though the photo –the puzzle we form is wild and crazy -all our pieces fit together perfectly.

We only exist in this moment, but I want to distort it and stretch it until infinity.

I want forever with you because seconds are not enough.

The true magic lies behind the fact that I chose you regardless of your complicated life and hardships we had to go through to get here. The real magic is that its you are the one I commit to even though hundreds of other people touched my heartstrings. It is you that matters the most above all others because of the time I dedicated to dreaming about us, to want us, to cry for us, to protect us, to cherish us. I look at you and see how amazing we are together and I whisper your name every morning hoping to wake you up so you can be as excited as I am that we are together every moment we have left.

I can promise you that I’m committing every piece of my broken soul to you for as long as we have together. All we ever had was the present moment anyways. All we ever had was right now.

You are my true love not because you were ever meant for me. Not because our existence was made for each other. Not because the strings of our past lives were intertwined. Not because we will have a fairytale ending or even end up together forever. But because in this lifetime, I choose you to be so.

I want us to burn these moments into memories forever. All we ever had was one chance in one lifetime. I took all the love that exists in me and in this world and gave it to you and it’s gone forever and will only burn in your memories. I trace your slender fingers with my hands and gaze into your eyes so that even if you left me I’ll remember your every touch, every scent, every quiver of your lips.

You don’t want to have to care about hurting me. You don’t want to be forced to watch me cry. You rather foolishly use every last amount of courage you have left to believe I don’t love you enough and that Fate is justified to tear us apart.

I want to feel your warmth when the world gets too cold because I know I haven’t been able to find it anywhere else for the past ten years. I’ve held on to you selfishly this long because I know you’ll always be there for me no matter what I do. I held on to him this long because I know he’ll also be there waiting for me no matter what I do. I am not strong enough right now so I’ll go back to the home I used to know hoping that I’m still the same person I left behind two years ago. I want it all, but I’m scared to admit it. I rather just stop seeing you than face myself.

It wasn’t because you are you, it was because you somehow managed to have room in your life for me to be all of me too. I will never regret you. You always made me wild for you. You always made me crave life with you like no one has had before. I want every inch of hurt I can get with you. I want that intoxicating happiness when we are in each other’s arms. I chose you to be my true love even if it’s a losing card game, even if I gamble and lose it all. I choose you because all the passion and love I have for you gave me to strength to do so. The magic is the fact that I can choose you to be my true love even if the world turns against us -even if Fate turns against me. No one can do anything about it -Fate cannot stop me from caring about you or loving you the most.

I want this lifetime with you or I want nothing at all. I want to love you more than I have loved everyone before because I have the freedom to choose. And I will choose you over and over until I’m nothing but pile of bones and forgotten ashes. I don’t need us to have a fairytale ending. I don’t need you to be here for me to love you until eternity ends. No one can stop me from tattooing our foolishness into my heart until I die because I chose to love you beyond forever …because even forever is not enough.

They say when you know he’s the one, he’s the one. But I’ve never known anything. I’ve never known what it means to be certain; to be absolute; to be truly in love. I am weak and insecure so I cannot promise you forever. I can’t give you my 3 months from now. I cannot promise you I will come back to find you in 15 years. I cannot promise I will love you forever. What I can promise you is that I like you enough to try to pretend as if I know what it means when I desire forever with you. I can promise that I’ve watched you long enough to have deemed you sufficiently crazy enough to play with my monsters and dance with your demons in return.

I can promise you that I’m committing every piece of my broken soul to you for as long as we have together. See, all we ever had was the present moment anyways. All we ever had was right now. And right now, I want those legs around me and my lips all over you.

I want our broken pieces to fit together for as long as we keep chasing time. I want us to run too fast, love too much, fuck too hard. I want us to want it all, to lose our sanity, to burn these moments into memories forever. All we ever had was right here, right now. Did we ever stand a chance? Did it even matter? All we have is one chance in one lifetime.

Don’t you know me by now?

Don’t you know me by now?

Sometimes when I look at her I can’t help but have this unspoken conversation in my mind. I can’t help but keep looking at her because I feel like at this very moment I am that old man 60 years in the future looking back at his memories of a love he couldn’t ever let go. At that moment I knew she was the last. And so I keep looking at her. I trace her slender fingers with my hands and gaze into her eyes so that even if she leaves me I’ll remember her every touch, every scent, every quiver of her lips. I don’t know who she will become after she leaves me, but this 28 year old silhouette of hers will be keep burning in my heart forever as I become frozen in time. I’m 60 now and I laugh at myself being an old man and still being in love with a 28 year old while I sip on my glass of whiskey in front of the lake. I tell her she’s special to me like no other in the past. She doesn’t believe me. I am 32 again. I have lived a hundred lifetimes and she came out of nowhere.

I am 47 and it has been 15 years since she left. I turn around to look at the faceless woman next to me in bed only to see there is no connection or excitement from my side. Being alone is better than sleeping next to a lover and feeling alone. I get out of bed and down a glass of cabernet as I think of that 28 year old girl again and all those delusional ideas of love come rushing back into my head. I am reminded of how genuinely romantic I used to be. “Love solves everything” were words I once believed when I was 16. Her mischievous smile comes into my mind again. Reality and love are now contradictions to me. I had put all the passion I had into loving her for all the time we were together and I had left nothing for myself. Everyone in this world is broken and missing pieces. That short lifetime we had together stole things from me and she took them with her when she left.

I am back to being 32 and we are both naked in bed. I feel complete for the first time in my life as I hold her in my arms. We are both broken, but we fit together perfectly. I imagine all the Christmases and birthdays we won’t ever have together. She asks me why I am sad and calls me childish. It’s one of those crazy nights. We are drunk and fucking in that back seat of my car. She tells me how comfortable she always is with me and in the heat of the moment asks me if I want to get married. I told her of course I will marry her and spend the rest of my life making her breakfast. She kisses me deeply and I go inside her. Never in my life had I had a moment so certain and so absolute that it felt just right. I’d like to think that at least in that fraction of time, she was truly honest with herself and with me. At that moment I removed all her worries and insecurities in the world and she just purely wanted to be with me until forever. If this was a dream then I didn’t want to wake up. If this was reality, God better not take it away from me.

She measures our time together in months saying I’ll eventually forget her. I want to tell her I wish I could measure them in years, but any unit of measurement seems cheap to me because every second I’m with her are lifetimes for me. I have lived a hundred lifetimes over and out of nowhere she left. I have lived a hundred lifetimes and it was not enough time with her. I love her and I want forever with her because seconds are not enough and because she is the last. She is the last girl that I will ever truly love.

Don’t you know me by now?

I do. I do, but I tell myself you won’t wait for me because it will make my decision easier and I’m scared you will change and not mean it. I am scared you will make me change my mind. I am scared you will break my heart if I left you. I tell myself I’m scared to gamble. I tell myself my past 10 years with him is worth more than months with you. I tell myself my next 15 years of my future is worth more than this moment here with you . I tell myself I am scared that you’ll give me reason to stay.

I know. Don’t you think I know you by now? I always knew you.

How many guys were you with before me?

How many women were there before me?

You are scared of how many I have loved before you. You say my love is cheap because you are afraid our love is not enough. But for me, you embody all the reasons I have ever loved and reasons I have yet to put a name to. Stop thinking about all the reasons about why we aren’t good for each other when there are so many stronger reasons of why we are great together. Why can’t you realize I am the final version of the man you have been looking for and that you are the one I’ve been waiting for?

How many women have you ever loved and what were their names?

Who. What. When. Where. Why.

Which one am I?

You are all of them and none of them. 

You are WHO I love, the girl in my dreams that became reality. In front of the world I am the strongest person, but you are the one I show all my weaknesses to. When we are together we see all our good points and bad points float to the surface, but we can grow and become so much stronger together. It feels so wrong, but so right whenever I’m with you because we are both flawed, but we compliment each other’s missing pieces. 

You are WHAT I love: the sassiness, the fire, the passion when we are intertwined with each other; and also the fragility you hide under that proud exterior of yours.

You are WHEN I love. You bring back that innocent nostalgia of young love when I get nervous in front of you as I deliver you a caramel macchiato, and the mature love as I we spend the future discovering and accepting each other’s weaknesses.

You are WHERE I love because I will chase you to the ends of the world. I feel like everything happened the way it did just so I can travel these hundreds of miles 10 years ago to LA just to crash into you. We were originally different people separated by time and space with only a fraction of chance to run into each other.

You are WHY I love. Before you, I thought I had given up on love to be the strongest man after my grandmother’s passing. I was a different person and no longer needed love. Now that I found you I can’t live without the bond I’ve developed with you. I can see both the future of how amazing we would be together and loneliness of drinking alone as an old man if you chose to leave me behind.

They say when you know he’s the one, he’s the one, but I’ve never known anything. I’ve never been certain of anything. I am weak and insecure. I am scared to leave everything behind and stay here with you.

We only exist in this moment, but I want to distort it and stretch it until infinity. The simple things of buying window curtains and her favorite bedsheets for our new fuck nest feels all too scary because at that moment I said to myself, “What if we can actually make this last? God. Can I be greedy and selfish one last time? Please let me keep her.” To give her security and the feeling of being safe I created a warm home for her in 7 days that I specially built to the smallest details like filling the refrigerator with her favorite soju, beer, makgeolli, snacks, and buying her a caramel macchiato in the mornings. I want to wake up before she does every morning and cook her breakfast, fill up her car’s gas tank, wake her up with my kiss with a coffee waiting on the table, and make her a Baby Maker ice cream before bed. If she wants to get fat I’ll buy her green tea cake, if she’s on her period I’ll bring her medicine, if she needs me I’ll be there instantly. She rests her head on my lap and smiles while she stares into my eyes after she eats the dinner I made her. We are in bed and she tells me she loves me for the first time as she lays naked under me. “I love you Stephen” are words I want to hear from her for the rest of my life.

Shooting stars that pass by are the loneliest things in the universe until they crash into each other to form worlds. Fate aligned every decision we ever made in our lives and gave us a chance to meet. You thought you wanted to leave – you thought you were ready to leave. If you believe in fate then trust that we met for a reason in this last moment. Take this final scary step that the Universe has given you and believe that you have one last chance to truly find something meaningful with me. Make that decision to be with me now. If you are brave enough to fight with Fate, fight for us to have a chance instead. You are my world. Don’t throw me away. I know you feel it deep inside too when I kiss you passionately. I know you feel it too each time I thrust myself into you.

I am selfish. I want to be free from worrying about your feelings. I want to not have to care about hurting you. I want to do whatever I want. And I want to be able to come home to you and feel your warmth when the world gets too cold because I know you’re always going to be there no matter what I do. I want it all, but I’m scared to admit it. I rather just stop seeing you than face myself.

I know. Don’t I know you by now? The only thing I can do is say “Let me show you something” and make you smile. The only thing I can do if I feel like you’re treating me poorly is treat you even better. I never tell you what to do. I just try to show you by example what love is like.

I don’t deserve you.

Don’t I know you by now? Don’t you know me by now? Love is not about who deserves who or who is too good for who. Love is family. Love is about never abandoning or giving up on someone. You are my best friend. You are my lover. You are my family.

Give me half an hour and I can plan a weekend adventure with you before sunset. Give me 2 hours and I can create a romantic bonfire that burns before midnight. Give me 7 days and I built you a warm home for just the two of us where you can wake up to before sunrise. Do you remember my last words to you when I held onto that zipline in Catalina? With you I will always make that scary jump. For you I will always jump without a parachute. Imagine what I can do if you gave me a year. Imagine what I can do if you gave us 10 years, 15 years, 30 years.

You can love someone else. You can find someone that is not me.

You said you remember all the things I’ve done for you. Now realize what I’ve done is not just that shallow and tangible. Please realize what I’ve done – that I took all the love that exists in me and in this world and gave it to you and it’s gone forever and will only burn in your memories. Those moments can never be recreated because I tattooed them in your heart.

You will never find a connection with someone so intense, so destructive and so unpredictably happy, exciting, and absolutely crazy. You will never meet another guy like me and I will never meet another girl like you. How do I know this? I feel it deep in my bones when I hold your hand. I feel it in my blood as it races through my heart when I am inside you. I feel it in my soul when your lips are locked with mine. I’m sure you feel it too right? Listen to your heart and feel the fire and the passion that swells up from below you, between your legs, and all the way to your chest when you are with me. Realize that you can’t reproduce it with anyone else. Realize it babe -that it’s me.

Stay with me so we won’t be broken forever. Stay with me because you will forever be my world. Don’t you know me by now? I am your rock. I am the place you call home. I am that thing in your life that always stays the same for you. I am always constant and my feelings for you are always consistent. I am the one you have been looking for. You are the one I will be waiting for. Don’t give up on us because I never will. You tell me that you need me when we fuck, but I’m waiting for the day you tell me that I only belong to you and you’re not willing to give me away to anyone else. I’m waiting for the day when you really grasp the weight of the words when I say “I love you.” I’m waiting for you to realize the reasons of why you really need me even if it takes 10 years. I’m waiting for you to carry these heavy words with me so I don’t have to go at it without you. Love might not solve everything, but it gives us strength to carry heavy things together we can’t put on only one shoulder. Each time we go over hardships, each time you gave us a second chance, something better always happens – you are always happier when you stayed with me. Trust me like you always have. Believe in us.

I am 32 now and I travel in time to ask the girl of 38 years old “Why do you have to come back and tell me you regretted leaving me 10 years later? Why didn’t you just stay?” Let’s not waste the next 10 years. I want to spend the next 3650 days making love to you in the mornings and cooking you steak dinners. I want to spend the next 3650 days fucking you passionately at night when we come back from work to each other. I will always be that nervous boy who says “Thank you. You’re welcome” when I see you. I will always be chasing you everyday even when we’re together for the next 3650 days and even when I am 60 years old and holding your wrinkled hand.

This is not just a simple love letter. This is the last lover letter I will ever write and the last love letter you will ever receive from someone. You like guys who show you all their cards. Well this is beyond that -this is me being naked in front of you because sometimes you are too scared to be naked with me. This is me taking your hands and leading the way because you are too scared to take the step. This is me telling you I’ll protect you no matter what. This is me giving you my all to show you who I am, who I will be without you, who we could be with each other. This is me being a time traveler using words to communicate my 32, 42, 47, and 60 year old soul to the you of 28 years old, to you of 38 and 43. This is not a simple love letter. This is me telling you about a love story that will last more than the next 30 years across time and space. This is me putting everything on the line to love you until I die many times over because you are afraid to face your own feelings alone. These are words obsessed with time because I don’t want to only have seconds left with you. This is me being with you.

Don’t we know each other by now? Can we keep learning?

Let me show you what being in love is like because true love is scary alone. Let all our moments of tomorrow be a love letter that never ends. Let’s just get naked together. Put those legs around me and let me run my lips all over your body. Let’s always jump too far, run too fast, fuck too hard, and love so passionately that we burn ourselves into each other forever.

You’re a bad boy.

You’re a bad girl.

Can we know each other by now? How many miles, how many years, and how many lifetimes did it take for us to finally crash into each other? We are both imperfect and incomplete. We both have monsters and demons. We have both watched each other all this time and accepted each other’s craziness.

You are the last. You are the last girl I will ever love.

Don’t be afraid of the unknown because you know me. Hold my hands. Fall in love with me. Fuck me. Kiss me. Jump with me. Crash into me. Let me go inside you over and over, and keep me inside you. Be naked with me even when we are wrinkled and old sitting in front of that lake drinking whiskey together. Put those legs around me and let me run my lips all over you as we stare into each other’s eyes at the end of it all.

They say when you know she’s the one, she’s the one. I’ve spent lifetimes getting lost, losing everything, and have died many times over learning about the world, discovering myself, and improving myself so that I’ll know what it means to be certain -to be absolute. I won’t force to change or control you. I can only keep evolving myself and hope you follow my example. Let’s be imperfect together. 

Do you know why our sex is so amazing? It’s because we make love and fuck so hard at the same time that the lines between the two have become so blurred with sweat that we just combust. In our closest moments we can’t tell who is who, what is what, when is when, and why we get so lost in each other. We are both mad and desirous of everything at the same time. You burn yourself into me as I explode into you. Our connection is violent, raw, powerful, lustful, innocent, honest, pure, deep. I stare into your eyes as you smile at me and flames of this moment burn until infinity.

I want to roll over in bed every morning and wake up to find your lips. I want you to wake up each morning to see me as your next adventure every day. I want you to lay on the sofa lazy with me after a hard day of work as we fall asleep to peach soju and a late night movie. I want us to run away and escape life together as we down a bottle of whiskey and fuck until morning. You ran across the world to find something – to be something else and away we happened. You are no longer the girl you left behind 2 years ago and you are no longer the girl from before you met me. Face the world with me. Love is both selfless and selfish at the same time. I know the demons you have hidden inside -let them play with the monsters I have locked up in me. Open your legs for me and let me inside. Tell me you love me as you fuck me. Listen to your heart. Hear my soul whisper to yours. Let us help each other strive to be someone more than before. With me you never have to hide who you truly are because I am truly in love with you so I desire forever with you. I am the guy in your life who will always take your hand and say, “Come with me. I want to show you something.” You are the last -the last girl I will ever love.

Bad boys marry bad girls.

Stay with me.

Dedicated to Lisha