I will always choose you across all lifetimes. It feels like so many life times now from when we started being together. There were so many good moments and so many bad moments mixed in that we both got confused by each other and ourselves. Our feelings got lost in the wind in this chaos of our own lives. Did you know that we’ve been together 4 years 3 months and 9 days? That is 1562 days I’ve loved you so far. We have been both stupid and young and grew together and grew apart together. Over the past 4 years, we have gone through all our worst moments with each other and was there for each other until our souls were tired and worn out from life. We fought, loved and hated each other and beat each other up and fought so desperately to stay together but over the years we forgot how to talk to each other. We’ve always been imperfect and incomplete. We both have monsters and demons. We have both watched each other all this time and each other’s craziness. You are the last. You are the last girl I will ever love.

They say when you know he’s the one, he’s the one. But I’ve never known anything. I’ve never known what it means to be certain; to be absolute; to be truly in love. I am weak and insecure so I never promised you forever. I cannot promise I will love you forever, but I loved you more than anything. I ended up giving you 3 months. I ended up giving you a year and before I knew it, I gave almost half a decade of my heart. 

As it turned out, I became the one who ended up being weak and insecure. I remember that I made you a calendar and posted it on the bedroom wall counting the days until you left me. I thought that if you go to college you would end up staying with me. You never did leave me, but in my mind, I never tore down that black calendar. That black calendar stayed in my head even until this day reminding me that I was never good enough for you, reminding me that I promised you diamonds and a life of happiness. That black calendar cursed me every morning and took away all my strength I had every day to show you how much I loved you. My addiction became depression and anxiety.

I can only promise you that I’m committing every piece of my broken soul to you for as long as we have together. I lied to myself about leaving you and ended up staying with you all this time but I wasn’t able to tell you that.

I was blinded by my lack of confidence that I never saw your true feelings. All we ever had was right now, and right now, more than anything I want those arms around me and mine around yours so you won’t ever feel lost again. So you will never ever be alone in this world.

I’m broken now more than ever before and I’m so sorry I broke your heart into a million pieces. We have raised two beautiful daughters together, went through so many close calls with lawyers and got destroyed by our jobs, but we held each other up and supported each other. We never gave up on each other through all the times that were the hardest for both of us. We both thought about giving up on life, but because you were there and because I was there, we never gave up on trying and always was able to get back up because of each other. This life is too short because forever is never enough for us. 

You broke me. My heart shattered forever because of you. You betrayed me even though I loved you all I could. I thought you stopped loving me. I thought you stopped caring about me. I thought you stopped thinking I was beautiful. I thought you wanted to stop making love to me. In this lifetime, We left marks on each other like tattoos that last forever. Deeper than anyone else possibly could. I keep asking you to come with me because I’m scared of being alone. I’m scared of having nothing. I don’t trust myself to be by myself. I want you to give up your life and your job and run away with me.

I thought that if you went away to college this time, you would end up leaving me. It has been over four years and I am beaten and hopeless. It has been 1562 days since I fell in love with you, but it has been every day I get scared of losing you. Every day I get scared of not fulfilling the promise I made to you. To give you the life you left your Ex for. To give you that life you left behind. To give you everything in return for giving up everything for me. I ended up not feeling worthy of you. To me you will always be the smartest and most beautiful girl to me. Always shining in my eyes like you would break my heart into a million pieces.

I didn’t need anything from you. I just wanted you to love me even after I do stupid things. Even after I go crazy and get into trouble. I’m silly and I break things all the time. I wanted you to always be there even if I break your heart. I know I am selfish, but I always wanted you to be there to catch me no matter what. I am scared all the time and I need someone there I trust. I wanted you to be the one.

I told myself to be strong, but I became intimidated. Four years and I am still running too slowly to catch up to your Ex. Four years and I lost even to a random guy. Four years and I lost to addictions and depression. Four years and I lost my faith in you and my confidence in myself. I drowned myself in everything I could find thinking that I would stop thinking about you being with another guy on your birthday. I was afraid to talk to you, afraid that you will tell me that your boyfriend was making you a romantic dinner. I was so scared I cried as my friends stared at me in pity. I was a failure and I gave up on myself thinking I failed you after all these years. 

I thought you were always going to be there for me. I thought I could have it all. I thought I could keep you. I wanted you to stay the same sweet boy I fell in love with that day you brought me coffee. I didn’t know I always broke things.

Without you I would be nothing. Without you I would be nothing.

I was so hurt I thought I could replace happiness with other people. It was easy to take care of people who didn’t want much. But all I found were girls who were not you. They were crazy, lost, with borderline personality disorders. I thought the crazier the better. The worse off the better. I could be useful and not feel like a failure like I did in front of you. But every single one wasn’t you. I still was lost and not found and it was like amnesia not remembering who I was and what was gone. I forgot what I was fighting for all this time and all that hung on my neck was that black calendar.

Who are you? I don’t know you anymore.

Nothing made sense so far in our lives and nothing will make sense in the future. As this world fell apart, we stopped making sense to each other. You stopped believing in me because I stopped believing in myself. I was so scared of disappointing you that I kept lying to you. I didn’t want you to know I stopped thinking you loved me. I didn’t want you to think that I gave up trying to give you diamonds. I didn’t want you to know that I became weak and lost and not the strong guy you wanted me to be. I was selfish because I wanted you to keep loving me. I was selfish because I thought you didn’t love me enough to accept me for who I am. I doubted myself. I was scared that you’ll try to wish me happiness again. I was scared that you’ll tell me to forget you. So I kept lying. I was scared of being alone without you. I was scared that our sex will never be amazing again. I was scared you’ll be disappointed in me because my body won’t listen to me. I was scared I couldn’t fix my depressed self. I didn’t think you would love the defective me.

I am so tired and exhausted. I don’t feel like I have anything else in this world anymore. I want to hold onto whatever I think I can keep. I am naked and insecure. I always question everyone thinking that one day they will disappoint me. I always question everything everyone does because I’m afraid I’ll be left alone as the room burns down around me. I’m not fire. I’m just rain. I don’t want to love you anymore. I don’t want you to disappoint me anymore. I just want to hold onto what I have right now at this moment.

One day you will see what I see – that in front of me there has always been only you. I don’t care if you might give up on me. I don’t care if you forget me. I will stand in front of you again and ask you to run away with me. I will go in front of you again and make you remember why you love me. Until then, I will keep the spot next to my heart vacant for you. There is no one who can make your heart beat like I can. There is no one who can make me tremble like you can. You closed your door on me once more and it’s all my fault for being weak. Just like how you are sitting alone in this world thinking that you are okay with the next guy, you will always be the only one standing in front of me. I will stand in front of you one day and ask you to come with me.  I will always be there to hold your hand when you are scared.

I wanted you to share your secrets with me. I wanted you to trust me. I wanted you to connect with me like you always did. But you never tell me anything. You kept your pain to yourself thinking it was going to be alright until I left you.

We used to make love so hard that the lines between us disappear. We used to hold onto each other so tight that nothing else mattered. In our closest moments, nothing else in the world mattered. Our connection has always been violent, raw, powerful. You came back to me again and I rolled over in bed every morning remembering why I loved you. I want you to lay next to me in bed and fall asleep to bad movies. I want you to yell at me for forgetting to make you coffee in the morning. You ran across the world to find something, to be something else, but I became scared I wasn’t good enough to be that for you. I was scared that I was wasting your time that you desperately wanted to be a mother and I wasted four years.

I think back to all the times you cried to me wondering why I stopped making you breakfast, why I stopped making you coffee in the morning. I think back about how deaf I was and didn’t realize you were pleading to me asking me to become the same guy I was before. I now realized during the times I had nothing were the times when you were the happiest with me. Why was I so naive and stupid this time? Why have I become so jaded and useless?

Please give me a chance to create that warm home for you again. Please give me the chance to build a Christmas tree with you with our two daughters again. I now realize what I should have been to you. I realized now that I should’ve had faith in myself. This time I am the one who is weak and insecure. I was too scared that I couldn’t tear down that black calendar. I was too scared I was just never going to be good enough. 

I am selfish but you taught me how to become selfless with you. You taught me how to love you and worry about you. You taught me how to never hurt you. I only want to be able to come home to you and feel your warmth when the world gets too cold because I know you’re always going to be there no matter what I do. I want it all but I’m scared to admit it. I want you to love me like you always did.

You always tell me you didn’t deserve me. But now I am sorry that I don’t deserve you. I am sorry I became weak. I am sorry I didn’t trust myself. I am sorry I made you lose trust in me. It is me who doesn’t deserve you this time. Don’t I know you by now? Don’t you know me by now? 

I don’t know you anymore. You’re no longer the guy I trusted with my life. You’re no longer the guy who made me breakfast and held me tight.

You are two people. You are the selfish and proud girl I first met, and you are also the girl who refused to lose to anyone. You are the only person who loved me and refused to give up on me. We spent the past four years growing up together and fought many battles together. Sometimes those battles were towards each other, but no matter what happened we always fought against everyone else to protect each other. I don’t deserve you.

You are two people. You lack confidence in things you do and gave up too easily, but whenever I needed you to be on my side, you were always strong enough to show me the light at the end of the tunnel and save me. You were always reliable enough to find me whenever life knocked me down. When it came to protecting me, you never gave up. I will always protect you against everyone. I will always support you and remind you that you are the best. I will always take care of you even if you don’t take care of yourself or forget to take care of me sometimes.

But I don’t know you anymore.
I forgot myself. I don’t remember who I am.

Love is not who deserves who or who is too good for who. Love is family. Love is about never abandoning or giving up on someone. You are my best friend. You are my soulmate. You are my lover. You are my family. Please give me a second chance. Please don’t abandon me because I lost myself. 

Give me half an hour and I can plan a lifetime with you before midnight. Give me 2 hours and I can light up a bonfire in front of the ocean for you that will burn until sunrise. Give me 7 days again and I will build you a warm home for just the four of us where you can wake up to freshly grinded coffee again. Do you remember my last words to you when I held onto that zipline in Catalina? Do you remember the way I held your hand all those hours we swam in the ocean in Hawaii together? Do you remember how excited I was for you when you chased after that sea turtle? We looked deep down into the scary ocean and all we had was each other. Do you remember when we hiked up to the top of the mountain with our daughter and there was no one else but us? Do you remember I held you whenever it rained? Do you remember the way I looked at you when we rode our bicycles down the beach? Do you remember the way I kiss your forehead like everything will always be okay? Do you remember how we always held each other in the worst moments of our lives?  For you I will always jump without a parachute. Give me another 10 years, 15 years, 30 years. Let me build candles for you when you are lost so you can find me every time so I can remember what it was like to build fireworks for you.

You can love someone else. You can find someone that is not me. Don’t think about me anymore. Deep down inside you will always be that sweet boy who got shy when he handed the coffee to me. This is our fate. We just happened to miss each other, and ended up on different ways. You deserve a good girl who has seen the world, mature and smart, supportive of you, independent. That girl is not me.

I once took all the love that exists in me and in this world and I gave it to you and it’s gone forever and will only burn in your memories. Those moments can never be recreated because I tattooed them in your heart. We are now both war torn and broken from the harshness of life and we’re still here after so many failures. The fire that burned into each other is both love and sorrow. You always knew you would never find a connection with someone so intense, so destructive and so unpredictably happy, exciting, and absolutely crazy. You will never meet a guy like me and I will never meet another girl like you even if we try to look for it in other people. How do I know this? I feel it deep in my heart and bones when I kiss you. I feel it in my blood as it races through my heart when I hold your hand to my face. Realize that we can’t reproduce this with anyone else. Realize it babe -that it’s me. Please forgive me.

Stay with me so we won’t ever have to break again. Stay with me because you will forever be my world. You know me better than I know myself because in your heart is the me I forgot. When we look into each other we can find that best version of ourselves in each other. We remind each other of who we can be. Don’t give up on us because I never will.

I realized all the reasons why I need you and it didn’t take 10 years but you forgot. I just wanted you to write me love letters again.

We made it across every hardship, fought every battle together. I know not everyone deserves a second chance, but babe it’s really me. Give me a chance to rebuild that trust again like I did all those years ago. Believe in me when no one else ever did because you have always been the only one who believed in me. Believe in me that I can fight any depression that comes my way and rebuild myself to the man you always remembered deep inside.

You will always make me want you. You will always be beautiful to me. You always made me crave life with you like no one else has. I want every inch of hurt I can get with you. I want that intoxication when we are holding each other in the fire. Even if the world is against us -even if Fate turns against me. No one can say anything about it. Fate cannot stop me from caring about you or loving you. I want to spend every day telling you that you are getting more beautiful each day.

I want this lifetime with you or I want nothing at all. I will love you more than I have ever loved you before. Believe that I will be that boy that your heart remembers, and I will remind you why you are the one thing I care the most about in the world. Give us another chance so our connection will be stronger than ever before. Give us another lifetime so we can remind ourselves what the best versions of each other are.

Do you remember me now?

I do. I do, but I tell myself that you aren’t the same person anymore. I’m scared to be hurt again. I rather just run off with another guy who reminds me of that familiar feeling than face you again. I am scared of you. I am scared I will lose you again. I am scared you will break my heart again. I tell myself I’m scared to gamble. I tell myself that my next 70 years is worth more than you. I tell myself my next 10 years with him is worth it if I don’t have to hate you again. I am scared of being alone.

I know. Don’t you think I know you by now? I always knew you but what I forgot was myself. I know I broke your heart, but you also reminded me who I was.

You are scared that I will disappoint you again and that you will be alone in the world. When you asked me if you could keep the money I sent you to remind yourself how much I cared about you, I felt my heart break in a thousand pieces. You used to always tell me my love is cheap and I ended up eventually believing it because I lost confidence. That moment I learned how much my love is really worth to you. I used to be proud and confident telling you that I am the final version of the man for you, but I was wrong and naive. The way you looked into my eyes that night as you cried was the first time I saw who you loved. That version of me inside your heart is your true love and your soul mate. That is who I want to be again because You are the girl who loves me the most in the world when even my family has left me behind. You are the girl who always believed in me. You are the girl who appears like the strongest person but is only vulnerable with me. You’re the one person I can always rely on to be there for me. We’re both so flawed and fucked up, but we always complimented each other’s missing pieces.

They say when you know he’s the one, he’s the one, but I’ve never known anything. I’ve never been certain of anything. I am weak and insecure. I am scared to put faith in you again and leave everything behind and go back to you. I am scared of ending up with nothing because I lost everything.

You are my world. Don’t throw me away. I know you still have the best version of me inside your heart just like how I have the best version of you in my heart. We have both been selfish this time and we both felt hurt. Come back to me so we can find that home again. I want us to be able to come home to each other and feel that warmth again when the world gets too cold because you’ll know that we’ll always be there for each other no matter what we do. I promise that I will spend the next 25,000 days being sweet to you. I promise you that I will be that best version of myself that you remember in your heart. I will always be that nervous boy even when we’re 100 years old and we’re holding each other’s wrinkled hands. You are still the last and only girl I will ever love.

Remember who we are to each other. Without each other, we turn stupid. Without each other we are lost. We both made mistakes along the way and we’re far from perfect, but we’ll always remind each other who we are and why we are. I saw in your heart what you truly wanted from me. Look into mine and see that I want to be that version of me you hold deeply inside so we can always face the world together. I promise you this won’t be the last love letter I’ll ever write to you. I promise you that every day we will write a new lover letter. I promise you that I can become the same boy you always loved and trusted. I really want you to become my soulmate who I can be completely naked and vulnerable with again. Forever is never enough.